


For Better Or Worse

by Esperata



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Cracky, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-28 03:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18202628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata
Summary: Riddler and Penguin are getting hitched and everyone is invited/required to attend. With so many rogues, love triangles and surprises in the mix, will anything go to plan? Will anyone get out alive? Will anyone else wind up engaged? Who knows!For the Nygmobblepot week prompt: Rogues' Gallery





	1. Get Me To The Church

“Which groom are you here for?” Zsasz’s tone was as conversational as ever. He might have been confirming a hit as much as acting as usher.

Gordon cast him a wry smile.

“Neither, so long as this whole thing is genuine.”

Zsasz’s returning smile showed he got the detective’s joke even as he answered his concern.

“Believe me, its genuine. I’ve been working for the ultimate bridezilla the last two months.”

Jim couldn’t help but smile at that. It was all too easy to imagine the ever emotional Oswald working himself into a furore over the details of his big day.

“Sit where you like,” Zsasz continued. “Most people are.”

As he gave a brief nod of acknowledgment, Jim cast a curious gaze around the gathering. He didn’t think he’d ever been in a room that contained so many convicted killers, most of whom would usually be at one another’s throats. It seemed the curiosity of today’s event was worth putting aside personal grievances for.

From his point of view though it was an ideal chance to gauge the state of the powder keg that was Gotham’s underworld.

He wondered how they’d chosen their guests. It was unlikely to be for any sentimental reasons given that most of the guests had tried to kill one or other of the grooms at some point. Or on occasion both. Although it wasn’t as if the grooms themselves hadn’t tried to kill each other so obviously sentimentality worked differently for the criminally insane.

The sight of Bruce Wayne sitting alongside his butler gave Jim pause and the notion came to him that in all likelihood Oswald had sent invites to everyone of any note in the city – at least those currently free from Blackgate or Arkham – which Ed had then followed up with a thinly veiled riddle hinting at retaliation for non-attendance. At least that was how the GCPD invites had appeared.

That additional threat probably explained why so many members of the audience looked irritated rather than pleased to be there. In truth Jim would have attended anyway out of sheer curiosity, and a lot of the other guests probably would as well, but it was almost sweet that Ed had been concerned though. In a twisted way.

His eye fell on Barbara and Tabitha. It was clear they were each dressed to be insulting in their own way. Barbara was honest to god wearing the wedding dress she’d gotten for her marriage to him. Talk about trying to outshine the bride. It was entirely likely Ed or Oswald would kill her on sight for the affront. Next to her Tabitha was dressed for a funeral, complete with gloves and veil.

At least they had made an appreciable effort though. A couple of rows behind them were Victor Fries and Bridgit, both still attired in their criminal costumes. Although perhaps that was in fact a better choice of outfit.

Across from them and a little further back were Jervis Tetch and Jonathan Crane. It was clear they’d taken the occasion to heart in their own way. Tetch had found a rather bright version of his traditional suit complete with a velvet green hat. Jonathan was less ostentatious but he had acquired a suit and added an admittedly rather wilted buttonhole. While Jervis was grinning delightedly, Crane was scowling. Jim rather wondered at why they were sitting together but noted the apparent truce in existence there.

Jim then caught sight of Jeremiah a few rows in front of them. He was hard to miss in any crowd and obviously he was going all out today. From the way he was leant forward and whispering across the row between him and Bruce though, it was obvious he was less bothered about impressing the grooms than his old friend.

It took Jim a few minutes to spot the other guests he was interested in among the troops of Penguin’s workforce filling the gaps.

Selina was dressed in a very tasteful gown that didn’t draw the eye too much. An instinctive attribute he’d gotten used to with the feline burglar. He might have missed her altogether if she hadn’t been sat with Ivy who was easily drawing the eye of every guy in their vicinity. Not that the red head cared. She was dressed to kill but her own eye was only ever on Selina. Unfortunately Selina’s eyes kept roving over to where Bruce was studiously staring straight ahead to ignore Jeremiah’s attempts to catch his attention.

The last two he finally saw were Lee Thompkins and Hugo Strange. It was rather hard to read their body language from where he was seated but he was surprised to see them sitting together. Was that an accident? Were they allied temporarily as the only medical practitioners in the room? Or did they have a genuine interest in each other’s work?

His puzzling was interrupted by the final members of his own party shuffling into the pew next to him.

“Sorry we’re late,” Lucius offered.

“Did we miss anything?” Harvey asked.

“No. Nothing’s happened yet.” Jim was still on the fence over what they were here to witness. It still wouldn’t surprise him to find this was an elaborate trap.

“Yeah, well, I got the whole department on standby.” Harvey obviously had the same thought.

A sudden whispering drew their attention forward to see a nervous looking priest climbing to the pulpit. As the crowd grew quiet, the man cleared his throat and leant towards the microphone.

“I have been asked to remind you all that we are gathered to witness a sacred event and any attempt to interfere will result in unhappy consequences.” He audibly swallowed before carrying on. “The grooms wish to remind everyone they have a sniper ready and willing to stop any interruption so please behave appropriately.”

It was clear he truly meant the last plea.

Almost as one the congregation turned their heads to look up at the balcony where the organ was housed. Zsasz waved back at them with his free hand, the other remaining in position on the trigger of his rifle.

“Talk about a shotgun wedding,” Harvey muttered.

“Except that’s not trained on the participants,” Jim pointed out.

Any reply he was about to receive was drowned out by the music surging up. The door at the back opened to reveal… a young boy walking a dog.


	2. I Present To You-

“What the hell?”

The exclamation was echoed through various parts of the audience but thankfully swallowed by the melody of Pachelbel’s canon. Jim recognised it having endured Barbara playing it on a loop until he got the hint.

“Who’s the kid?” Harvey asked.

“That would be the kid you arrested Penguin for murdering,” Lucius answered, drawing the surprised glances of both men. He shrugged, used to being the only one to thoroughly research anything. “Martín,” he added.

“Well I’ll be. The little bastard was telling the truth.”

They watched as the angelic looking boy walked solemnly down the aisle. He looked well taken care of and very smartly dressed in a miniature three piece suit, with his hair coiffed up in a familiar style.

The music stopped as he reached his seat and settled the dog beside him. Everyone began fidgeting slightly before the organ suddenly blast out the dramatic introduction of the wedding march, making more than half the congregation reach for their weapons. They hesitated though as the two doors either side of the chancel opened in synchronicity revealing their grooms.

Hesitated but didn’t relax.

Although it was no surprise to see Riddler and Penguin, each perfectly framed in their respective doorframes, it wasn’t a reassuring sight. Penguin was dressed with his usual elegance but in a top hat and tails. It was some iridescent material that shimmered through blues and purples so he resembled a peacock more than a penguin.

Riddler at first glance seemed to be wearing his traditional green question mark suit. At least until he took his first step forward and the light caught him. If Nygma had been ostentatious before, he was apparently going all out today and was bedecked in jewels.

He strode confidently to the middle of the church and then spun with a flourish before opening his arms to welcome his betrothed.

“Oh my god,” Lucius muttered.

Oswald was apparently treating this less like a theatre stage and more like a catwalk. He strutted forward, cane in hand, until he was inches from his beaming fiancé. They then turned as one to face the altar.

The stirring music finally halted and all eyes turned to the priest.

“Dearly beloved,” he began, to various snickers in the congregation. “We are gathered here today to witness the union of Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot and Edward Nash-”

“Nygma,” Riddler interrupted irritably. “Edward Nygma.”

The priest nodded hastily.

“Of course. The union of Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot and Edward Nygma in holy matrimony, which is an honourable estate, that is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently and soberly.”

Along from Jim, Harvey snickered and snuck a drink from his flask.

“Into this estate these two persons present come now to be joined. If anyone can show just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

A deathly silence fell and Jim tensed in case anyone was foolish enough to suggest interrupting the ceremony. The sound of Zsasz cocking his rifle echoed loudly and there was collective sigh of relief when nothing else happened.

The priest also relaxed, calmed too by the repetition of traditional ceremony. He turned to Riddler first.

“Repeat after me.”

“Its alright,” Ed waved him off. “I know the words.” He paused to inhale before reciting, “I Edward Nygma take thee Oswald Cobblepot to be my wedded husband, before these witnesses I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live. I take you, with all your faults and your strengths, as I offer myself to you with my faults and my strengths. I will help you when you need help, and will turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life.”

There was a brief pause at that point as Oswald burst into tears. It took several minutes for him to stop hiccupping and then he shakily echoed his own vows, quietly prompted by the priest.

As Riddler carefully wiped the streaks of mascara off his cheeks the priest drew everyone’s attention back to him.

“The wedding ring is the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual bond which unites two loyal hearts in endless love. It is a seal of the vows Edward and Oswald have made to one another. May they who give and wear these rings live together in unity, love and happiness for the rest of their lives.”

He gestured then towards Martín who leant down towards the heavy set dog panting by his feet. There was some fiddling about before the dog was persuaded back onto his feet. For a moment it seemed he wasn’t going to go anywhere but Penguin clicked his fingers and the dog waddled across instinctively.

Nygma knelt beside the creature and likewise fiddled about until he stood triumphantly beaming. With a happy grin he passed part of his spoils across to Oswald.

“Did they just use that dog to transfer the rings two meters from Martín to them?” Jim asked doubtfully.

“Yup,” Harvey agreed, slouching lower in his seat.

At the front Edward took Oswald’s hand and positioned the ring.

“I give you this ring as a symbol of our vows, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honour you. With this ring, I thee wed.”

Harvey leant closer to Jim.

“Ten bucks Penguin can’t get through his lines.”

Jim wasn’t about to take that bet but he still willed Oswald on as he mimicked Edward’s gesture.

“I give you this ring as a symbol of our vows, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honour you. With this ring, I thee wed.”

Jim grinned, unreasonably proud.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the priest announced grandly. “I present to you-”

“Oi!” Barbara’s voice rang out like a bell and the tension in the room sky rocketed. “You missed _you may now kiss._ ” She smirked.

The priest flushed and as Riddler and Penguin simultaneously turned their glares on him he caved. “You may now kiss,” he agreed.

As Oswald surged upwards to claim his lips, and Ed wrapped his arms round to support him, the whole room erupted in heartfelt cheers.


	3. Fun As This Has Been

Outside the church Jim eyed the happy couple with a healthy degree of suspicion. They were busy posing for more photos, with Martín and the dog, apparently oblivious to the tense groups milling about the steps.

They’d had the good sense at least to accept a magazine exclusive which meant rival photographers were being kept away by professionals just as enthusiastic about defending their turf as any gang boss. Everyone would be reading about their happy day in the latest edition of _People._

“Fun as this has been,” Harvey muttered, glancing as well at where Riddler was now holding Martín in his arms while Penguin cuddled his other side. “I think I’m ready to head back to base.”

Jim was about to agree – the whole event being surprisingly genuine if unexpected – when Zsasz appeared in front of them.

“You can’t leave yet,” he informed them blankly. “Boss wants everyone to stay ‘til midnight at the earliest.”

“Midnight? Why midnight?”

Zsasz shrugged.

“It’s a Hungarian tradition apparently. There’s something special happening then.”

The GCPD men shared a look. Perhaps this wasn’t as innocuous as they’d hoped. And in that case, they pretty much had to stay to keep an eye on things.

Lucius glanced round at where other groups were being led to the waiting cars by Penguin’s chosen chauffeurs.

“Where’s the reception?” he queried.

“City Hall kindly offered their rooms for the former mayor.” Zsasz grinned before adding, “Come on. I’ll drive you.”

He led the way down to a waiting car without waiting to see if they’d follow.

The drive to the reception wasn’t worth getting in the cars for, especially given Gotham’s heavy traffic. Which only reinforced the idea that Penguin and Riddler were corralling their guests.

As they made their way into the heavily decorated hall, a quick glance round showed what appeared to be a 100% turn out from the church. Jim kept a wary eye out as he spoke quietly to Harvey and Lucius. He was uneasy about the sheer number of helium balloons bobbing about – a mixture of question marks and penguins – any or all of which could be filled with toxic gas whether the grooms knew it or not.

“I think we should split up. Mingle. See if we can’t find out about this surprise later.”

“Or whether any of these other odd balls have something planned,” Bullock added with well-founded cynicism.

“That too,” Jim agreed.

“Right. I’ll take Ivy,” Harvey declared and set off before his friends could stop him.

Jim and Lucius shared a look. The man would more than likely end up in trouble sooner rather than later.

“I’ll ask Selina to keep Ivy in check,” Jim suggested. “Then I’ll talk to Barbara.”

“Is that a good idea?”

“She’ll insist on speaking to me one way or another.” He offered with a wry smile. “Might as well keep it on my terms.”

“Guess I’ll take your other ex then. I’m curious to know what she and Strange had to talk about.”

With a final nod of agreement the men separated and Jim plastered a friendly smile on his face as he approached the group of women. The reactions as they recognised ranged considerably. Bridgit barely spared him a glance, Selina looked amused, Tabitha jealous, and Barbara… she looked like the cat that got the canary.

“Jim! You changed your mind yet? I’m all dressed up and ready to go.”

He didn’t deign that with a response and focused his gaze on Selina.

“Cat. Would you mind making sure Ivy doesn’t do anything to Harvey? It’d be a shame to ruin the special day.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Sure. I’ll see what I can do. No promises though.”

As she slinked off he turned his attention onto Barbara who was looking decidedly less cheerful now. Tabitha slunk her arm through the other woman’s possessively.

“You all look nice,” he offered diplomatically.

“Oh, this old thing? Just something I found in the back of a cupboard.”

He changed tacks.

“I was surprised by the invitation today.”

“Really?” Tabitha gave him a disbelieving look. Bridgit laughed.

“I knew coppers were slow but I didn’t think they were _that_ slow.”

Jim just about held onto his composure.

“What I mean is, I’m surprised they decided to get married. Not that they were in a relationship.”

Truthfully there was probably no-one in Gotham who didn’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. It had been the subject of betting pools and water cooler gossip since Riddler had first stood frozen as the centrepiece of the Iceberg Lounge.

“Rumour is they waited,” Barbara said as if sharing a confidential secret. When Jim continued to look confused she rolled her eyes and explained. “It’s no secret Oswald was a virgin when he met Ed. Smart money is he held out to get Nygma to marry him.”

The girls all smirked while Jim tried very hard to keep the image of any and all sexual activities between the men from entering his mind. That wasn’t what he’d been hoping to hear.

“You don’t think they have some other reason for gathering everyone here today then?” he hinted.

Bridgit took over answering him.

“Penguin’s always wanted a fancy wedding in front of the biggest names around.”

“And Riddler’s the most outrageous show-off this city has ever produced,” Tabitha declared. “Which in this city is saying something.”

Jim had to agree with her on that point. In a town of crazies where everyone had a gimmick and looked for publicity as much as anything else, only the Riddler pre-announced his plans. Unsure where to take the conversation he glanced around again to make sure Lucius and Harvey were still alright.

Lucius seemed perfectly fine, looking to be having a civil talk with Lee. Harvey on the other hand…

“Oh no.”

Harvey appeared to be acting as joint referee in a four way competition for attention being contested between Ivy, Selina, Bruce and Jeremiah. The only saving grace was the fact the other referee was Alfred but tempers were clearly fraying.

“I think I’ll have to-” he began only to be interrupted by the ricochet of a gunshot.


	4. The Wedding Breakfast

Weapons were instantly drawn only for people to hesitate as they identified the source as Zsasz stood atop a table.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced, completely unfazed by the guns pointing his way. “The happy couple would like to invite you to take your seats for the wedding breakfast.”

He hopped down and led the way nonchalantly into the next room. The guests all straightened themselves and with dignity restored, followed the assassin. What followed was the usual awkward shuffling as people scanned the seating plan and tried to determine what this said about their position relative to the table of honour.

It was fairly evenly distributed as far as Jim could see. The top table was reserved for Ed, Oswald, Martín and Zsasz, who was probably only there as it gave him the best sightline on everyone else.

The rest of the, for want of a better word, celebrities were spread across a semi-circle of tables facing them. Four to a table all arranged so they could see the grooms. And so Zsasz would have a bead on all of them. Behind those and at the edges of the room were benches for what Oswald would no doubt be calling the hired help.

A quick scan reassured Jim that the meal shouldn’t cause a fight. Lee was safely seated with Bruce, Alfred and Ivy. Fox had the table with Fries, Strange and Selina. Harvey might have some issues sitting with Barbara, Tabitha and Jeremiah but at least no grudges towards him.

Which left Jim with Firefly, Scarecrow and Mad Hatter. Three people who all had tried to kill him in his not so distant past. Joy.

He scanned the room as he approached his designated seat and instantly noted the two identical server’s trolleys with large tureens. Not especially surprising at a meal perhaps but suspiciously unattended. He cast a glance to where Ed was busy checking on Martín and Oswald was filling the dog’s food bowl. He had the startling revelation that they were probably quite domestic when not running criminal organisations or committing heists.

Then he remembered waking up to the pair singing a duet in Ed’s apartment and thought it wasn’t perhaps quite so surprising.

“Jim, what a delight. Won’t you sit for a bite?”

His gaze immediately switched to where Jervis was grinning broadly at him. After meeting his wide eyed stare head on, he deliberately moved to the end seat, leaving a clear gap between them. If this bothered the man he didn’t show it, only humming some tune to himself.

A few second later Jonathan arrived and slumped himself into the seat at the opposite end giving no indication he noticed Jim at all. Which was fine by him. When Bridgit arrived though she had no choice but to sit next to Jim and she gave a huff of annoyance. Still, she didn’t cause a scene which he was surprisingly thankful for.

As everyone settled into their chairs and began the awkward business of small talk, Jim saw with wariness that both Ed and Oswald were leaving the top table to take stations beside the trolleys. He was sure that he wasn’t alone in tensing up as they simultaneously began pushing them towards their guests.

Oswald made a beeline for Jim, a disarming smile on his face that did nothing to calm Jim’s paranoia. He tried to surreptitiously unholster his gun but quickly realised Zsasz had his eye on him.

“Jim!” Oswald drew up in front of the table still, to Jim’s annoyance, leaving Zsasz with a clear line of sight. “I’m so glad you could come!”

“Wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” he replied honestly with as sincere a smile as he could manage. Oswald seemed unflappable in his sheer happiness though and continued to smile warmly.

“It’s just been a dream come true today,” he gushed. “All made so much better by having all our dear friends here.”

Jim resisted the urge to point out that the term ‘friends’ would be stretching it a bit, in pretty much every case. Instead he gestured to the tureen.

“What’s this?”

“My mother’s goulash.” Oswald lifted the lid proudly. “Olga’s been practicing. Its _almost_ as good as I remember. Which is quite a triumph really.”

“And you’re serving… why?”

“Oh. It’s a Hungarian tradition.” He tilted his head in a familiar gesture indicating he knew it sounded foolish but to please humour him. “The newlyweds are supposed to serve cake so they can welcome the guests but it seemed silly to be welcoming the guests _after_ the meal so I insisted we serve the meal instead.”

Jim nodded at the rush of words and cast a glance to where Ed was making significantly more headway in serving his side of the room.

“Well, I think that’s a fine tradition.” He smiled again and was rewarded by Oswald finally transferring some food onto his plate.

As Oswald moved to Firefly, Jim wondered if it would be rude to start eating straight away. Usually he wouldn’t be too concerned about offending the hosts but given his current hosts had an assassin ready to shoot he decided it would be better to wait and be sure. He also still wasn’t sure the food wouldn’t be poisoned.

By the time Oswald had made his way to the second table of guests, Ed had finished his side of the room and noticed the obvious disparity. For a moment he hesitated and Jim just knew he was thinking about taking over Oswald’s last table. Fortunately he realised that would set off a temper tantrum. Unfortunately he therefore decided to entertain the guests.

“What kind of fruit must have a large wedding party with lots of guests in attendance?”

There were various mutterings before Lucius called out the answer.

“A can’t-elope.”

Ed grinned delightedly and Oswald rolled his eyes indulgently but on the far table it looked as if Jeremiah was preparing to interrupt proceedings.

So it was actually a reprieve for all concerned when the dog decided to distract everyone by weeing against the top table.

“Edward!” Oswald shouted causing both dog and husband to look at him in alarm. There were various giggles and a miniature army of attendants rushed over to clear the offending puddle.

By the time everything had settled down, all parties had full plates and they could eventually start eating. Jim was sure he wasn’t the only one who checked the table of honour were tucking in before starting his own.

One couldn’t be too careful.


	5. Time For A Toast

The food was good, though cooled, but the table conversation painful and Jim was only too glad to see Ed stand for his speech. The chiming of his glass drew everyone’s attention.

“No flaming riddles!” Alfred’s voice called out garnering a few “Hear hears,” from others. Jim glanced round worriedly as he realised more than a few people had been indulging with their meal. That did not bode well.

At the head table Ed’s smile was painfully affixed and he chinked his glass again forcefully.

“Ahem. If I could have everyone’s attention.” Satisfied he now had the focus of the room, he switched into his playful entertainer’s smile. “Firstly, let me thank everyone for coming. You have all known us throughout our good years and bad and there is truly no one we would rather be sharing this day with. At least, no one living,” he amended before turning slightly towards Penguin.

“I never had the pleasure of meeting your parents Oswald – no thanks to some people in this room.” His gaze flickered Tabitha’s way and his smile briefly slipped before it flashed back into place as his gaze returned to his husband. “Although that’s a matter for another time. I am sure from knowing you that they must have been extraordinary people. I have no doubt they would have been proud of the man you have become. I can only hope they would have approved of me too.”

Oswald’s hand reached out to grasp Ed’s and it was clear from his gaze that his words were reassuring, if inaudible to their audience. They shared a fond look before Ed turned his eyes back onto the assembled guests.

“Its traditional at this point to extol the virtues of one’s new husband. But there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to sufficiently list Oswald’s merits.”

A few ‘aahhs’ met this statement although Jim could see Jeremiah was idly balancing cutlery on his finger.

“Suffice it for me to say that I am undoubtedly the luckiest man in the world.” He looked again at Oswald. “How I managed to win your affections I still don’t understand. How I managed to keep them despite everything… I’ll never know. But I promise you, I will do everything in my power to hang onto them. I will never do anything to hurt you. And if anyone else so much as ruffles your feathers I swear I will hunt them down and gut them like a fish for you my penguin.”

This statement generated more ‘aahhs’ from the criminal contingent and Oswald pulled himself up from his chair to kiss Ed forcefully.

Jim led the start of applause for the speech and hoped that would be it. He was just thinking they’d got off lightly as Penguin retook his seat, blushing profusely, when another fork clanging against a glass drew attention across the room. He groaned as he recognised Bullock.

“Hey. I wasn’t asked to make a speech but I think its only right someone else takes a turn to roast the couple.”

Jim’s heart sank as he heard the slur that indicated Harvey was definitely on his way to drunk.

“I’m sure I speak for everyone,” Harvey waved his glass to indicate the room, “when I say – none of us liked you guys.”

The entire room froze. Even Zsasz was momentarily too surprised to target Bullock. Ed and Oswald stared at him with identical masks of polite confusion.

“Penguin,” he continued obliviously. “When I met you, you were just Fish’s umbrella boy. Bottom rung of the food chain.”

Zsasz drew his pistol and aimed but Oswald reached out to indicate he lower it. Jim was only surprised until he saw Penguin grasping the table knife in his other hand.

“And Ed! You were creepy weird with no sense of boundaries.”

Startled laughter from some of the guests momentarily drew the husbands’ gazes as they clearly catalogued who needed dealing with.

“Yet look at you now.” Harvey threw a hand out dramatically, forgetting the glass and spilling his wine. “You each made something of yourselves. You’re big names.”

That gave them pause and Jim felt a moment's hope that perhaps this wouldn’t end in bloodshed.

“Riddler makes headlines. Gets double page spreads in the weekend papers. Cobblepot was mayor for Christ’s sake! Got a finger in every pie in Gotham. And you found each other. After some false starts admittedly but…” he trailed off as he seemed to forget what point he was making.

At the top table, Riddler and Penguin were back to sharing smiles and Jim let out a sigh of relief.

“I don’t think there’s a person in Gotham doesn’t envy what you got,” Harvey slurred as he began swaying slightly. “Someone who sees the freak you are and still thinks, yeah, that’s the guy for me.”

Oswald was blushing again as Ed placed delicate kisses on the back of his hand.

“You… you’ve got a family together… And I… I think its beautiful… Just wish… seeing you so happy…”

Jim decided it was time to intervene as Bullock practically collapsed back into his seat. He stood up swiftly, raised his glass aloft and announced.

“A toast ladies and gentlemen. To the happy couple!”

The chorus was promptly echoed and everyone began chattering again, near disaster promptly forgotten. Jim glared along to where Jeremiah was exchanging money with Barbara and Tabitha as Harvey slipped down in his seat, passed out.

At the front of the room an ornate cake had been brought in and Ed linked hands with Oswald to cut the first slice. There was a faint smattering of applause but Jim knew he wasn’t the only one who noticed the switch knife being slipped back into Edward’s pocket.

Penguin handed the first piece to Martín and Ed leaned across him to ruffle the boy’s hair affectionately. Then Ed set about cutting more slices while Oswald prepared to hand them out. He again approached Jim first and the detective couldn’t help but tense.

“Jim. Thank you for the toast.”

“It was the least I could do Oswald.”

“I want you to know,” he leant closer confidentially. “I won’t be doing anything to Detective Bullock. Despite his… unorthodox start, the speech was surprisingly nice.”

“Oh, that’s… good. I’m glad.”

“That and its painfully obvious he was goaded by his dinner companions.” He cast a venomous look that way. “I may have to deal with Tabitha sooner than I intended.”

Before Jim could reply to that, he’d turned away and headed back for more cake.


	6. A Very Special Surprise

The gunshot this time wasn’t half so shocking, though whether because it was more expected or simply that everyone was well on the way to tipsy was unclear.

“Everybody!” Zsasz called. “If you’ll make your way to the ballroom, there’s a very special surprise waiting.”

“Callooh Callay, will we have murder this day?”

“We can but hope,” Jonathan grumbled as he followed Jervis.

Jim cast a glance at the comatose Harvey and decided it was safe enough to leave him. His eye was caught by Lucius who fell into step with him.

“Do you think we’re going to have trouble?” he asked. “Broadly speaking, it seems to be an ordinary wedding so far.”

“Nothing about these two is ordinary,” Jim reminded him. “But we’ll continue giving them the benefit of the doubt for now.”

As everyone filtered into the beautiful ballroom Zsasz immediately hopped up onto the small stage and eyed the crowd. Edward led Oswald towards the front where the dancefloor was and the curious onlookers dutifully held back.

“Pray everyone’s attention,” Zsasz announced, “for the first dance.”

He stepped aside as the curtains behind him drew open to reveal;

“My god! Is that Fish Mooney?”

“I thought she was dead?”

Fish relished momentarily in the stunned attention she was receiving before stepping towards the microphone, her ornate gown shimmering like a waterfall.

“This song’s for you my little penguin,” she purred.

Oswald looked caught between terror and elation but was swiftly swept in closer to Edward in a supporting embrace.

“The fire has gone out, wet from snow above, but nothing will warm me more, than my, my mother's love. I light another candle, dry the tears from my face. Nothing can protect me more than my mother's warm embrace. The path ahead is dark, so dark I cannot see, but I will not fear 'cause my mother looks over me.”

The newlyweds had done little more than rock slowly to the tune, Oswald keeping his face buried against Ed’s chest. As the song ended though, Edward tilted the shorter man’s face up for a kiss.

“I think he must have cried off every trace of mascara by now.”

Lee’s voice broke Jim’s attention from the touching scene and he turned to look at her.

“Lee. It was a surprise to see you here.”

“After Riddler’s not so subtle threat?” She glanced at him and realisation struck. “Oh, you mean surprising I was invited?”

Jim shrugged. She remained the only one of Ed’s exes, besides Oswald himself, not dead.

“We both knew at the time it was little more than a game. It was just a matter of curiosity to play and see who’d win.”

“Still, Oswald’s not terribly forgiving of that sort of thing.”

“You’d be surprised. He’s willing to sacrifice an awful lot for the happiness of those he cares about.”

They both looked to where Fish had now descended and was embracing her spiritual child. She stepped back as Oswald turned away and made a come hither gesture to Martín. It was clear as the boy was presented that Fish was smitten.

“They’ve got an odd little family group going haven’t they?” Jim murmured thoughtfully, recalling Harvey’s impromptu speech on the topic.

“This is my family,” Lee quoted. “I found it all on my own. It’s little and broken but still good.”

Jim glanced back to her but couldn’t help agree with the sentiment as he turned to see Fish tenderly running her hand through Martín’s hair while Ed and Oswald stood, with arms hooked about each other, the very image of proud parents.

“Would you care to dance?” Lee interrupted his thoughts and he suddenly realised more generic music was now being played. A swift glance showed other couples taking to the floor – Barbara with Tabitha, Selina with Ivy – and Oswald was walking out the doors with Martín and Fish, the dog at their heels.

Jim cast a swift look at his watch. It was probably just the boy’s bedtime. No need to assume the child was being moved to a place of safety. That was paranoid thinking.

“Well?” Lee prompted.

“I’d love to.” He snapped his attention back with a smile and led her onto the floor.

It was nice talking with Lee again and Jim allowed himself to forget momentarily the events surrounding them. A brief daydream of what his life might have been with her. Until a tap on her shoulder interrupted them.

“Mind if I cut in?” Jeremiah asked with a smile. She quite sensibly demurred, giving Jim only a quick glance that was partway between amusement and apology before leaving him in the arms of his new dance partner.

“Jeremiah,” Jim acknowledged awkwardly, wondering how to ask ‘what the hell’ without sounding insulting.

“Jim,” the man replied equably before shifting closer and whispering. “What can you tell me about Bruce and that feline flirt?”

“What? Oh. You mean Selina?” He glanced over to see that, whereas before Bruce had been avidly watching her dance, now she was fixated on him guiding Bridgit round the floor. Jim tried to shrug, hindered slightly by the hold Jeremiah was keeping on him. “They’re old friends.”

“Really? Friends?”

“Yeah. They met after his parents died. It was a difficult time for him.”

“Huh.” Jeremiah’s strangely cold eyes followed the young Wayne’s graceful movements. “My parents died too. In tragic circumstances. I thought it would be something we could bond over.”

“Well… he doesn’t like to remember those events. Bruce is the type of man who always looks forward.”

Jim blinked as the unnerving gaze fixed back on his own eyes.

“That’s helpful advice. Thank you Detective.”

Before he could even process what was happening, Jeremiah swiftly kissed his cheek and abandoned him.

Jim staggered away from the jostling couples and headed for the drinks. He was reassessing whether Harvey hadn’t actually had the better idea for once.


	7. Alls Well That Ends Well

Once Jim had another drink in hand he felt much better equipped to face the room. Sipping it gratefully he settled in to survey the scene. It wouldn’t do to forget this was a gathering of dangerous criminals and at any moment one of them might unveil a pernicious plot.

The most likely culprits would be the hosts themselves, who had already announced they had special plans for midnight. Though to look at them it was hard to believe they were murderous felons let alone plotting anything.

Oswald had returned to the room at some point and was now sat comfortably in his husband’s lap. Edward seemed equally content breaking off pieces of wedding cake and hand feeding them to him. After every few bites they’d share a brief kiss, seemingly unconcerned about their guests.

Jim decided they could probably be safely ignored. At least for now.

The next target for his attention was Lucius. He was already down one partner this evening and while Lucius wasn’t a cop he was at least back up. It took Jim a moment to spot the other man since he was sat towards the edge of the room with Alfred. They gave every impression of being in great high spirits, laughing together and each holding a half empty glass. Jim fervently hoped they weren’t going to end up passed out like Harvey though he suspected it was a forlorn wish.

His gaze roved back to the dance floor and he saw Lee towards the edge dancing with Victor Fries. She appeared perfectly happy with her dance partner and Jim could see them talking apparently with great interest. He couldn’t help but wonder what they were discussing and wondered if he could claim a police investigation in order to interrupt. The thought of Lee’s response to that halted his plan.

Instead he focused his eyes back on the social chaos in the middle of the room. At the moment that was the most likely source of any problems.

The girls were all dancing together, eyes on each other and more or less ignoring the boys trying to integrate themselves. The older women were forming a protective network, carefully not allowing any boy to break into their group and isolate one of the girls. The exception to this rule appeared to be Jervis and Jonathan, who were dancing between Bridgit and Ivy. 

He wondered why they were being allowed in until he understood it was because they weren’t seen as a threat. Jervis was only interested in encouraging Jonathan and, to Jim’s surprise, the timid boy was even flashing the occasional smile.

Unlike the other two who were each failing miserably to catch the attention they wanted. Jim wondered if that would blow up before any professional scheme in play. While Jeremiah was patiently persistent though, Bruce was the one who looked likely to throw a temper tantrum. In which case it would be Alfred’s problem Jim decided.

It struck him suddenly that he hadn’t seen Hugo Strange since before Fish left. Had he gone after her? If so then it wasn’t really his problem either. He was here to protect City Hall and the innocent citizens - or at least citizens - in the room, not whatever Fish was nowadays.

Which just left… Zsasz. Jim’s eyes darted about as he tried to spot the assassin. He panicked as he also remembered it had been him who had suggested Oswald wanted everyone here at midnight. It could be equally likely the assassin had been hired by someone for another purpose here today, something not even the wedded husbands knew anything about.

He very nearly pulled his gun on instinct when he spotted Zsasz coming into the room with a box in his hands but stopped himself as he saw Oswald move across to him with obvious excitement. Edward simultaneously moved across to where the microphone was tucked aside.

“If I can have everyone’s attention.” He smiled brightly into the suddenly silenced room. “There’s a final tradition we’d like your participation with. The last dance of the night.”

A few disappointed awws met this statement and Riddler grinned.

“A candlelit waltz,” he announced with a gesture over to where Zsasz was moving towards the dance floor, Oswald following at his heels. “So if you could each take a candle.”

Jim moved forward with the other guests and found the box did in fact contain nothing more threatening than candles. Still, he picked one out cautiously, knowing not to take anything at face value. Oswald appeared in front of him with a lighter.

“If I may?”

Despite himself Jim held his breath as the wick was lit. The flame flickered into life and glowed. He watched it suspiciously but it seemed content to burn normally. Glancing round showed everyone held similar candles either being lit by their neighbours or Oswald.

“Form a circle,” Ed instructed as he reappeared. There was general shuffling and Jim found himself between a worse for wear Fox and a feverish eyed Barbara. Across from him he saw a grinning Jeremiah had managed to get next to Bruce. However he was distracted by the couple in the middle, Oswald now handing a lit candle to Ed with an equally warm smile.

Music began to play and Zsasz immediately shuffled the outer circle into an awkward side step to the rhythm, made worse by the weaving nature of some of the participants. The happy couple linked left arms and started their own rotation in the opposite direction. The whole thing struck Jim as faintly ridiculous but he didn’t want to offend Oswald’s heritage by pointing it out.

Then each groom bent outwards and blew out a candle. A few steps more and they did it again.

Jim tensed. There weren’t any other lights on in the room.

They leant again and blew repeating the action quicker this time.

He glanced round the group to notice nervous faces next to exhilarated faces.

Oswald’s eyes met his before extinguishing Jim’s own candle. Murmurs met his ears as others went out. He tried to move only to find Barbara clinging to his elbow.

The last candles in the outer circle died and he heard distinct giggling. Then Edward and Oswald grinned delightedly at each other before raising their own candles.

As the room was plunged into darkness, pandemonium broke out. Screams, curses, laughter and some unmistakeable thumps. It was mere seconds before Alfred had got to the light switch but the room was in chaos.

Bruce had got a happy looking Jeremiah pinned. Tabitha and Selina were engaged in a tug of war with their whips around Lucius. Fries and Bridgit were poised for a firefight. Jervis was hidden behind Jonathan who looked entirely unbothered. As were Zsasz and Ivy who were helping themselves to leftover cake.

What drew Jim’s eye the most though was where Barbara had swept Lee into a deep kiss.

A cough by his shoulder drew his attention and he glanced to Alfred. The butler gestured to the stage. A large umbrella was propped up with the words: Bees make it. In Earth’s orbit.

“Honeymoon,” Alfred commented.

Jim sighed.

“You know what? It’s not my job to deal with this.”

So saying he went to drag Harvey home.


End file.
